memo to the old dude who was obviously in town for the inauguration

welcome to our nation"s capital! i see you are taking the advice to make use of our mass transit system during your visit. i offer here just a few tips to help make your experience more pleasant.

- do not take one step off of the escalator and then promptly stop dead in your tracks. perhaps this is unique to the escalators here in d.c., but we"re not a one-person-gets-to-ride-all-the-way-up-to-the-top-before-anyone-else-gets-on system. there are people behind you. immediately behind you. please step aside so as to get the hell out of everyone"s way. and while we"re on the subject: stand right. walk left.

- this is not a "monorail." it is a subway. well, sort of. anyway, it is not a "monorail." this is not disney world. please stop calling it "the monorail."

- please refrain from asking at every stop "is this our stop?" remember how, at the last stop, that exasperated guy beside you said, "you have about eight more stops to go"? well, it"s only been one. that means you now have seven more to go. the evil democrats did not sneak the metric system in on us while you weren"t paying attention. eight minus one is still seven.

- see how all of the people who are not wearing fanny packs are very quiet? yes? these people are called "commuters." they ride "the monorail" every day. this is holy time for them. quiet time. this is the last window of silent solace they have before being pitched into the fifth circle of hell that is their job. they read. they listen to music. they meditate. a few of them even attend to their personal grooming, although, really, that"s disgusting and we wish they wouldn"t do that. here"s one thing they do not do: talk.

- one more thing they do not do: put their feet up on the seat in front of them. there are a couple of reasons for this. one is that we operate on a one-ass-one-seat rule here. there are going to be lots of people on "the monorail." they would all like to sit down. also, people don"t want to sit on a seat that has been all dirtied up by your big-ass cowboy boots with slush all over them.

- please stop your incessant talk about how easy it would be to "blow this thing up." the "commuters" know this. they try not to think about it. you"re not helping.

- please stop asking "is it cold enough for you?" this is true not only on "the monorail," but just in general. and by "just in general" i mean any time or place.

- it is not amusing to look at someone reading imperial hubris and say, "well, i guess someone isn"t going to the inauguration today," and then laugh really loudly while elbowing said person. seriously. you should stop this